DashSync

This week’s National Enquirer cover story is a doozy. It has a little bit of everything – lies, sex, infidelity, hypocrisy, therapy, broken engagements, lesbianism, hotel hookups, and girl-on-girl martial arts. AND LOVE. As you can imagine, it’s all about Brangelina and whether or not they will end up getting married after all. The Enquirer’s sources say “hell to the no” – all because Angelina is a terrible, awful person, of course. La Villainess Jolie. Since the cover story is so epic, I’m just going to do some highlights in bullet points, for humor:

*Talk of marriage “collapsed” in a premarital counseling session (the counselor was a trusted family friend rather than a therapist) after Angelina “confessed that she continued to have sex with other men after they’d fallen for each other on the set of ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’!”

*Angelina dropped the bomb on Brad: she was still boning dudes in hotels AFTER January 2004, when they began working together on MAMS. Some dudes she was boning during that time period? Her ex-husband Jonny Lee Miller and Ralph Fiennes.

*Brad was “floored” by these revelations (even though they’ve been widely reported for YEARS). Even though Brad and Angelina weren’t having a physical relationship back them (early 2004), “Brad still considers it cheating, a complete betrayal.” So, obviously, “He stormed out of the session and Angelina jumped up and followed him, crying and yelling out, ‘No Brad! Please forgive me!’”

*Some history: Jonny Lee Miller married Angelina knowing that she was screwing Jenny Shimizu. JLM was cool with it, “but the whole arrangement never sat well with Brad.” LOL.

*In the therapy session, Brad wanted to get all of the bad blood out on the table, so of course, Angelina started talking about how much she hates Jennifer Aniston. “Angelina spoke of her animosity toward Aniston, saying she couldn’t stand Jen’s good girl saint act and Brad’s continued friendship with her.”

*BITCH-FIGHT. “Angelina revealed that there was a day when she physically threatened Jen. She was fed up with Brad still remaining close to his ex, and Angelina got so jealous and upset over the arrangement she told friends she wanted to take Jen down in a fight. Angelina knows some martial arts moves, and she was ready to kick Jen’s ass. She also made sure her threat became known to people who would get the message to Jen, and the two women have had a contentious and distant relationship ever since.”

*Brad was a big baby about Angelina wanting to bitch-fight Aniston. “The whole session left a bad taste in Brad’s mouth. Now he’s not only rethinking the marriage, but also the entire relationship. So, he’s called off the marriage.”

[From The Enquirer, print edition]

Should I even bother with the fact-checking on this stuff? The Ralph Fiennes story has never been confirmed, and I think it originated with Ian Halperin. There were claims that somehow, Ralph and Angelina met each other circa 2003, and they were getting hot and heavy in hotels for a while. Same with Mick Jagger, and of course, her ex-husband Jonny Lee Miller. The JLM stuff is the only story I believe whole-heartedly. Some days, I’ll tell ya… I wish Jonny and Angelina had stayed together. They were HOT.

As for the whole “Angelina was going to judo chop Aniston’s chin” story – WTF were the Enquirer’s editors smoking?

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

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